So the Dr says “You need open heart surgery“………..
Wow. Great.
How do you react? Laugh? Joke? Ask Why? When? The first thing I did was cry. I was angry & scared. Honestly though, I knew it would be this time, it’s always been coming, although there’s always been the hope that it can be avoided.
I tried to hold it together, but I cried in front of 8 people (9 if you include Sadie who was 6 month along by now and in my head was 100% a boy): 6 Doctors learning about cardiology, Candice and the Consultant.
Throw in a consultant possessing a bedside manner that would have rivalled my own, should I have chosen an alternate career path. Think….“Hello mate lets yank out those heart valves, they’ll only stop your heart for 3 hours, tee hee hee – but it will all be fine, don’t worry or stress, its not like you are about to have a baby.” all in all, it was overall a sub-optimal day. More on this and gung-ho surgeons in a later post I think
But first, lets rewind.
Howard, bright-eyed bushy-tailed, high-pitched voice and glasses, age 11 at a Doctor’s appointment because Mrs Sefton senior is worried about his height (aw). “You have a heart murmur, it’s very obvious, can’t believe it was not picked up before.” That murmur (a strange noise in my heartbeat) is what this is all about.
After some scans, it turns out I was born with a heart defect, as many of you already know. The short version is that one of my valves doesn’t work properly, it leaks, it’s been checked every year or two for 25 years, and is slowly getting worse. There has always been talk of surgery, but it was always way out in the future and would be keyhole by then, surely, they said.
Fast forward 25 years and the valve leaks, a lot, which means my heart is dilating (growing) to compensate and if left alone will lead to likely heart failure (equals bad) and a slow downward spiral basically.
So it’s 2.12am on 31st December 2019 and I am writing a blog. Next year, February 10th I get to have open heart surgery, semi-experimental heart surgery I might add. I have never written a blog before, so that’s one new thing of the resolutions list at least. My remaining resolution for 2020 is fairly obvious
I guess I should set out some aims and objectives of this blog, so here is why I am up at this unearthly hour (other than night feeding Sadie):
1) Open heart Surgery is big a deal, especially at my age. I have things I want to tell people, but I don’t want to say them again and again and again, its emotionally and physically draining. Sometimes I think I end up sounding bored (which is rude when people are genuinely interested in my health), and/or make lots of jokes in poor taste because its repetitive and also a very difficult topic.
2) Control – Typically, I am happy go lucky type of guy really, I just go with the flow. Just on this occasion however, I think providing the information directly is best, and it’s the only thing I can control so I’ll grab it.
3) Updates – Hopefully people may want to follow some progress and see how I’m getting on.
4) I am not famously good at sharing and I will need to get things off my chest now and again (before I let someone dig around in my chest). Therapy was….interesting – I think this will be better; cathartic.
5) Jokes in poor taste, there will be many.
I am planning to try and write regularly up until the surgery and then all being well will post a few times after, on the road to recovery (which is expected to be about 3-4 months)
I am sorry to those who are reading this and are shocked; I tried to get round to telling people, however if I haven’t seen you personally, you probably won’t know (or at the time, I didn’t feel like dumping). For me, it was not something to WhatsApp, however I am now running out of time before February.
I found out this work (or plumbing, as I call it) was necessary in July, however I held off telling people, maybe hoping for a silver bullet, maybe just not wanting to deal with it.
Sadie was due and born in November, so we postponed till February, otherwise we would have been done by now. But that’s why I knew ahead of time that this year would be the year of the surgery, why? Because FML, because this is the worst possible time, that’s why I guess.
I have an FAQ somewhere which I will try to post here too when I work out how to use the site, it answers a lot of questions. In the interim, the positives are that I am sort of fit and well, I get out of breath a lot, too easily, however you wouldn’t think anything was wrong to look at me. I am lucky it’s been caught early, otherwise the next year or so would likely have included random fainting and other episodes as the leak is now classed as “severe”. I have my dark days too, the what ifs, the desperately holding it together points, but largely my head is well distracted by work and baby.
Right now though, I’m tired (I’m always tired, despite it being 2.30am), I’m scared for the future, for me, for my family and I’m impatient to get this over and done with, at least then we can get on with whatever comes after (more on that later too).
One thing I am not, is brave or courageous. Brave people have choices. I have been given the choice between a shit option and a really fucking shit option, so logically I take the shit one.
I’m debating / trying to organise a belated birthday / pre-op party, as it will be a long time before I can do anything similar so watch this space.
Happy and healthy new year to everyone who reads this, thank you for coming this far and for the love and support.
Howard
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Next update – The “Procedure” – will not be for the squeamish
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Howard’s happy heart surgery blog 