Push on…..

I’m a passenger in my own life.

It’s been this way since July.  I often feel like I am someone else.  Watching my life go by, floating in a space between, staring mindlessly. There…….but not there. 

I pull myself back into my body, and push on.

I’m on the train, I know where it’s going, I don’t want to go there. But I can’t get off.

The destination, once out of sight, hidden by the curvature of time’s horizon is becoming larger, coming into sharp focus.  The looming cliffs around the track higher. Nowhere else to go. No more delay. No time. Push on, keep going.

The next part of the journey, is the hardest, alone in the dark.  Albeit, it’s everyone else I worry for, they have to wait. Wait for the call.

I’m tired.  My head hurts.

My heart…. hurts.

And yet, there is optimism. It’s always darkest before the dawn.

The op is today, I should be under when this publishes. Whilst I may die, and the worst could happen……any of us may die on any given day.

But…..I resolve to go on. To come through this. To be there for all those who were there for me, and those who rely on me, to light up their dark places.

The coming weeks will doubtless be hard. The past months have been simultaneously horrendous and uplifting in equal measure. Sprawling emotions. Highs, depression, exhaustion, mania, darkness, light, life & death.  Most of the time, I hide it well, manage, force a smile, crack a joke. Push on.

I said a few weeks ago that I could feel the knife going in, and I still can feel it. However, since I started this blog, this outlet, and especially right now, what I feel……is…….. love.

Love and support from friends, family & colleagues. So many of you have now been on the journey with me, and will doubtless see me through it.

The train carriage, once lonely, is full to bursting, with laughter, with optimism and support.

To all of you that are here and have been there, thank you.  I’ve been overwhelmed by the response. Reconnected with people from times long since passed. Been able to steady my thoughts through writing and dealt with the most difficult of days.

Before I go then……..Thank you, To all of you.

To Candice, my rock, my love, my soul.. To Sadie – my angel lighting up the dark.

To Mum, Dad, Marc, Cristina & Lyla.

To my unbelievably supportive employer – Ingenious – Tom, my team and my colleagues.

And lastly to Leigh – for expertly editing these posts and correcting my terrible grammar which apparently “given the amount spent on my education should be far better.”

And of course to everyone else who has come with me; the meals, the drinks, the curries, the support, the messages, the faith and the love. The list is too long, but you all know who you are.  And you are all amazing.

So then, I resolve to beat the statistics, to be the one in the records books, to see my daughter grow up, bat mitzvah, get married, to sing and dance at that wedding and perhaps see my own grandchildren. All the normal things a parent wants. Must push on – and I am doing it with your help.

I don’t want to do this. Of course I’m scared, I’m terrified. I’m tired.

But that doesn’t make any difference.

I have to.

Not alone though – far from it – supported and loved.

But for now – no more time. No more jokes. Push on – just one more time. Together.

Well….I guess there is always room for some morphine 😉

Until we meet again.

Howard

x